There was a very specific reason that I removed all of my posts. In fact, several very specific reasons, but here’s a big one. I’m about to go into some detail about where my journey has taken me and why I considered my posts to not reflect what I want to reflect anymore.
One of the most potent questions that exists in anyone’s life – Christian or nonchristian – is this question. What is my identity? Who am I?
And the problem with that question, is that there are a lot of people out there who have a vested interest in telling you what your identity is. I’m a white, Christian, “cis” male, and since I am all of those things, many people have already come to a snap judgement about who I am, what I think, what I believe… and, possibly more importantly, who I should be, what I should think, what I should believe. People are more than willing to project their ideas of who I am onto me, and then they expect me to accept those into my psyche.
But here’s a secret. It’s probably one of the best kept secrets these days. It’s actually probably one of the most powerful things I can possibly say on this blog, and possibly one of the most powerful things I’ve ever written. Are you ready? Here it is:
I don’t have to listen.
I have come to a sort of peace with who I am. Now it’s true that there are things about me that I don’t like and would rather change, but that’s not really important. The simple fact of the matter is that if someone tells me I need to be shamed of what my ancestors may or may not have done, I don’t have to listen. If someone tries to shame or guilt me for being a white male, I don’t have to listen. If someone tries to tell me that I should somehow feel guilty for whatever privilege I might or might not have as a white straight Christian “cis” male, I don’t have to listen. Whatever they say to me, whatever lies they try to make me believe, whatever shame and guilt they try to heap on me for simply existing, the simple fact of the matter is that it is my choice whether or not I listen to them.
And I’ve decided not to.
So I don’t really need to post about social justice anymore, because I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need to post about the latest outrage du jour, because it’s not important. I don’t need to care about who protested about what, because I don’t have to take any of it inside of my psyche. I am a straight white Christian “cis” male, and I am okay with that. I am okay with my beliefs, I am okay with my heritage (while I acknowledge that some of my ancestors may have screwed up, I don’t take any of that on myself), I am okay with my “privilege” (I didn’t ask for it and if it exists I won’t use it for evil). I am okay. I am not ashamed. I do not feel guilty.
And I don’t have to listen to the lies of those who tell me I do.
It’s not only social justice, and this is why I took down all the posts rather than just some. It’s my belief system as well. I’ve come to a place in my beliefs where I am alright with what I believe. I’m Christian, but I’m not evangelical anymore, I’m not protestant, I am a trinitarian but willing to explore that doctrine. But there are Christians out there who would call me apostate and heretical, who would denounce me, who would bleat loudly about the fact that I no longer believe everything that they do. And I don’t have to listen to them, either. For exactly the same reason.
It’s up to me to choose who to listen to – and it’s up to me to choose who to respond to, and I’m just not interested in any of the bullshit anymore. At least in many aspects of my life, I’m comfortable with myself now. I’m comfortable with who I am, I’m comfortable with what I believe, I’m comfortable with the “groups” that I belong to, and I’m comfortable with how I see the world.
An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna ruin me bishen cutter.