Washed In Grace

There was a very specific reason that I removed all of my posts. In fact, several very specific reasons, but here’s a big one. I’m about to go into some detail about where my journey has taken me and why I considered my posts to not reflect what I want to reflect anymore.

One of the most potent questions that exists in anyone’s life – Christian or nonchristian – is this question. What is my identity? Who am I?

And the problem with that question, is that there are a lot of people out there who have a vested interest in telling you what your identity is. I’m a white, Christian, “cis” male, and since I am all of those things, many people have already come to a snap judgement about who I am, what I think, what I believe… and, possibly more importantly, who I should be, what I should think, what I should believe. People are more than willing to project their ideas of who I am onto me, and then they expect me to accept those into my psyche.

But here’s a secret. It’s probably one of the best kept secrets these days. It’s actually probably one of the most powerful things I can possibly say on this blog, and possibly one of the most powerful things I’ve ever written. Are you ready? Here it is:

I don’t have to listen.

I have come to a sort of peace with who I am. Now it’s true that there are things about me that I don’t like and would rather change, but that’s not really important. The simple fact of the matter is that if someone tells me I need to be shamed of what my ancestors may or may not have done, I don’t have to listen. If someone tries to shame or guilt me for being a white male, I don’t have to listen. If someone tries to tell me that I should somehow feel guilty for whatever privilege I might or might not have as a white straight Christian “cis” male, I don’t have to listen. Whatever they say to me, whatever lies they try to make me believe, whatever shame and guilt they try to heap on me for simply existing, the simple fact of the matter is that it is my choice whether or not I listen to them.

And I’ve decided not to.

So I don’t really need to post about social justice anymore, because I don’t need to defend myself. I don’t need to post about the latest outrage du jour, because it’s not important. I don’t need to care about who protested about what, because I don’t have to take any of it inside of my psyche. I am a straight white Christian “cis” male, and I am okay with that. I am okay with my beliefs, I am okay with my heritage (while I acknowledge that some of my ancestors may have screwed up, I don’t take any of that on myself), I am okay with my “privilege” (I didn’t ask for it and if it exists I won’t use it for evil). I am okay. I am not ashamed. I do not feel guilty.

And I don’t have to listen to the lies of those who tell me I do.

It’s not only social justice, and this is why I took down all the posts rather than just some. It’s my belief system as well. I’ve come to a place in my beliefs where I am alright with what I believe. I’m Christian, but I’m not evangelical anymore, I’m not protestant, I am a trinitarian but willing to explore that doctrine. But there are Christians out there who would call me apostate and heretical, who would denounce me, who would bleat loudly about the fact that I no longer believe everything that they do. And I don’t have to listen to them, either. For exactly the same reason.

It’s up to me to choose who to listen to – and it’s up to me to choose who to respond to, and I’m just not interested in any of the bullshit anymore. At least in many aspects of my life, I’m comfortable with myself now. I’m comfortable with who I am, I’m comfortable with what I believe, I’m comfortable with the “groups” that I belong to, and I’m comfortable with how I see the world.

An no sidewindin’ bushwackin’, hornswagglin’ cracker croaker is gonna ruin me bishen cutter.

I’m out.

Drops mic.

I had around 815 posts on this site. I have hid them all. I don’t think they’re coming back.

These posts focused around three things generally:

Spirituality (particularly Christianity)
My personal journey
Social Justice

After a lot of long and hard thought, I’ve decided I no longer want to write about these things, at least not in the way I did, and I no longer want those things to be exposed to the wider public.

Here’s why.

Spirituality

My journey through spirituality has been a long and rocky road. I have been through almost every permutation of Christianity, New Age, and Atheism that I can think of. I have run the gamut from fundamentalist Christian to militant atheist.

Looking back on my posts on these topics, they just don’t seem to matter anymore.

My journey is mine. It’s something that I’ve been through, and it’s unique enough that I have no further hope of it ever helping anyone. And while I have no issue with vulnerability if someone can gain something from it, vulnerability for its own sake is foolish.

My Personal Journey

My reasoning here is somewhat similar to my reasoning above. It’s my journey. It’s been proven over and over again that no only does no one care about it, very few even understand it. I could post for my own benefit, but again, I don’t see what good vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake does. So I’m not going to bother.

Social Justice

There were many posts containing my opinions on social justice issues. Hint: They were not very complimentary to liberals or social justice activists. My opinion has not changed in that regard.

But to be honest, looking back on those posts, I’m not sure what I was trying to accomplish. Was I trying to draw a line in the sand? Was I trying to rail against what I saw as stupidity? Was I making a halting attempt to participate in the culture wars? Either way, I just don’t see the point anymore.

The simple fact of the matter is, social justice activists are simply too far gone to engage with anymore. So I won’t.

I’ve decided I don’t care what they say, I don’t care what they think, their particular brand of insanity is simply to be ignored. And ignore I shall. And that means that whatever they think about how I think or feel, I just don’t care.

And part of not caring is simply not giving them any more rent in my head. Or my blog.

Conclusion

I don’t know what I am going to do with this site anymore. If I have the stamina and energy, I may go through my previous posts and see if there’s anything worth salvaging. There are a lot of good posts with a lot of good content, but it just doesn’t matter anymore. It’s not worth posting if no one reads or cares. I may focus on one of my other blogs. Or this may be the last post you see. I don’t know. I’m not sure I care all that much anymore.

For those that subscribed, thanks for following. This is probably not goodbye. But I’m not sure you’ll see much of me in the near future.

So long (for now), and thanks for all the fish.